Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
