I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
