it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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