Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
