my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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