A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize