I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
