When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
