Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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