he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
