Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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