If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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