he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
