I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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