your parents love me but you hate me
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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