I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
