Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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