You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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