i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
