what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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