bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
