I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize