like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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