wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
