M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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