Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
