Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
