Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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