i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
