Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
