I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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