dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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