I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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