Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
