I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
