I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
