Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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