We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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