she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
