You can't special order awesome
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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