that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
