I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
There are leaves in my underwear?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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