Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
