woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
