I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's never too late to be topless.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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