I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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