Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have aggressive nipples.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
