You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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