Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
