My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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