Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize