And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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