Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
