She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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