just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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