I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
