Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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