i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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