Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
