My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize